


I Got Love For You

by richietoaster



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, mentions of maggie tozier - Freeform, mentions of the rest of the losers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 05:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21248033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/richietoaster/pseuds/richietoaster
Summary: Richie Tozier does a comedy special in Los Angeles and dishes all on his dogs, his friends, and how he met the love of his life.





	I Got Love For You

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh hello!!! I have done one thing like this EVER where I wrote a comedy-like thing. That was "Mortified" and Eddie was the comedian. 
> 
> This is completely new to me, and honestly I don't think it's that funny but I ran some parts by Di and she said it was really good so this is for you.
> 
> I used some bits of John Mulaney's "The Comeback Kid" and I meme I remember once seeing but everything else that is written in this is 100% MINE. please enjoy!! I would REALLY LOVE to see what you all thought,

Richie Tozier is what one would call “just married.” To his family and friends, they think that he eloped quickly. And, maybe so, but it’s not that he meant to. It just happened. One moment he was talking to a girl on tinder, and weeks later, he was getting married to the love of his life. And, it wasn’t the girl he’d found on tinder. It was her friend’s ex boyfriend, who he just so happened to meet through their dates. 

There’s no drama of it all. Richie’s ex girlfriend actually finds it quite amusing. They’re even still in touch. There’s no hard feelings. Which is why Richie decides to come out as bisexual by using how he met his husband in his comedy act.

“Hello, Los Angeles! How is everyone tonight?” 

The audience makes as much noise as they can as a response. 

“Thank you for the very warm welcome. That was nice, thank you.” Richie clears his throat. “How many people have a significant other with them tonight?” He asks, and the audience goes crazy once more. “Great, that makes me feel better about myself because I’m about to brag about my own and how great they are.” His use of gender neutral pronouns might be a dead giveaway, especially to other LGBT+ people in the audience, but he supposes he’s doing a good job of keeping everyone on their toes. 

“So, about ten months ago my friends were sick of me bitching about being a lonely and single thirty-two year old dog man. Actually, they bitched about that all the time so that was a lie. Anyway, what’s so wrong about loving my three dogs more than anybody else in this world?” Richie doesn’t wait for an answer. “Nothing, nothing is wrong with that. Except my friends are assholes and that is Very Wrong to them. My friend Ben and Bev are childhood sweethearts. I’ve been third wheeling them since I was thirteen years old. Bill Denbrough, you guys might know him, right? Famous author with the hot wife, Audra?” The crowd whistles and claps. “Yeah, he’s also one of my friends. He got married young. Twenty-two to be exact. Ten years ago.”

“So, I’m the only single one out of my friends and clearly that’s a problem. They’d bring their spouse to movie nights or nights where we would eat out and you know what I would do? I’d bring one of my dogs.” The crowd laughs. “Maybe in hindsight, I should have figured that most restaurants are in fact,  _ not  _ dog friendly.” Richie makes an X with his arms, “That was the last straw, you guys. Because that night, Bill forced me to get a Tinder account. If it wasn’t for him doing so, I may not be where I am today. So, I’m pretty grateful.”

Richie clears his throat. “I didn’t have any luck at first. I guess people don’t like seeing in your bio, ‘My friend made me do this. I probably will never love you more than my three dogs.’” The audience laughs at this and he chuckles himself, “True story. I changed the bio that Bill put in and he was not happy. But, changing this made me meet Sandy. Sandy is my first and only match I had on Tinder before I deleted it.” Richie bends down to pick up a glass of water that rests on the stage and takes a few sips before continuing. 

“Sandy is gorgeous. She has these Bambi doe eyes and long brown hair. Sweet smile.. Honestly, I was so surprised when I swiped and we instantly matched. Clearly it was love at first sight, yanno? And I was even _more_ surprised when she messaged me almost immediately! Like, I didn't even have time to be awkward and let it sit there for a few days before finally messaging because she had beaten me to it.”

“Her first message is asking about my dogs, and I knew I had to wine and dine her after that. She said,  _ ‘your bio isn’t fake and overly douchy like everyone else. I like that! What’re your dogs names?’”  _ Richie makes a face, “Wrong thing to ask. I said,  _ ‘Thanks! Their names are Pablo, Rue, and Foster.’  _ And then promptly talked about them for a whole two hours before she shut me up and asked if I was free. We went on our first date that night.”

“It was fun! It really was. Sandy is such a sweet girl. She always texted me in the morning like  _ ‘Good morning, handsome’ _ or  _ ‘rise and shine honey!’.  _ And at first I loved it. I really did. Being constantly complimented and praised, I see why that’s a kink for most people.” Richie hears laughter from most of the people in the venue, but a few stand out. “Yeah, so if someone sitting next to you is laughing harder than you are, they probably have a praising kink. Hashtag exposed.” This makes the audience louder. He laughs quietly, too. 

“Anyway, I eventually was getting really annoyed by it. And the next time my friends and I all went out, I had brought Sandy. When she went to the bathroom, they all looked at me expectantly and I just flat out said,  _ ‘No.’  _ Bill says,  _ ‘The fuck do you mean no? She’s exactly your type!’  _ And I’m just like, ‘ _ you think I don’t know that? I know this. But she’s just too fucking nice to me, dude.’  _ All my friends are just staring at me and I can feel the same stares you all are giving me right now. You are all judging me like they were.  _ I know this.  _ But I’ll tell you guys the same thing I told them: I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. And she was never mean to me. And it was annoying. Like holy shit- roast me, call me stupid, for fuck’s sake just  _ something!”  _

“And then I got my wish. At this point, though, Sandy had become my girlfriend. Which is weird, because I’ve been told for years that I’m gay based on the way I walk and talk. But anyway, made it facebook official and everything.We were on our like eleventh date or some shit like that and she tells me that she wants me to meet some of her friends and I’m like, yeah, that’s fair. She’d already met mine, so why not!”

“We go to this really nice diner and the first few friends she introduces me to are Mike, Stan, and Patty. Mike and Stan are in a relationship. Patty is a lesbian. This is important and I’ll get to that later. Her other friend and his boyfriend are running late and she says it’s apparently a normal occurrence. About a half hour later, we had ordered their food for them, and these two guys come waltzing into the diner and hover over our booth to introduce themselves before they sit down with us. Her other friend is named Eddie, and the guy next to Eddie is his boyfriend but Eddie’s boyfriend is irrelevant so I don’t care.” 

“Now. When I say that Eddie is basically the male version of Sandy, I am not kidding. They could be twins. Maybe that’s why I found Eddie extremely attractive. And the best part? The first thing he said to me was,  _ ‘Sandy, why does your boyfriend look like the uglier and unkempt version of Bill Hader in 2013 during his Saturday Night Live era?’  _ And that’s when I knew he had my heart. Also, I’m pretty sure that Sandy knew I was attracted to Eddie.The whole night she was like,  _ “Eddie, listen to this one joke Richie told me the other day”  _ and stuff like that and nine out of ten times she would only address him and not the other four people at the table with us. Like.. is my girlfriend trying to wingman me? I think she was. It sounds crazy but I don’t know- I was totally convinced.”

“So, by the end of the night, I kissed Sandy goodbye and walked her to her car. I waved goodbye to Mike and Stan, hugged Patty goodbye, ignored Eddie’s boyfriend, and then got Eddie’s number. And- no, it’s not what you think. He was the last one to leave at the diner besides me and we sat outside for another hour and.. Talked. And it was great. I hung out with Eddie a few times after that, and before Sandy broke up with me.” The audience awws sadly.

“Why are you awwing at this? Do you guys not know where I’m going with this by now?” Richie laughs. “Anyway, the same day Sandy broke up with me, Eddie texted me and asked me out. Turns out he and his boyfriend broke up too, and he texted Sandy about it, and she mentioned about me and her. And I  _ shit you not,  _ she texted Eddie and told him to ask me out. So, Eddie and I went out on a date.” The audience claps and Richie cuts himself off, saying, “Oh, by the way this is me coming out. I’m bisexual.” Somewhere in the crowd he hears someone shout,  _ ‘we been knew!’  _ and it shakes the whole arena. Even Richie breaks. 

“Sorry, some of us are repressed, David!” Richie says, laughing. “So, Eds and I have been seeing each other for about seven months now. Eddie is wonderful and I listen to everything he says. I don’t mean he bosses me around or anything, even though he is kinda bossy, but it’s hot so it’s okay, but I mean I literally just listen to everything he says. Before Eddie, I never had someone who was very observant, always there to point out the obvious, you know? Like, we went to this restaurant once and he was like,  _ ‘hey, Rich, you ordered your food like an hour ago, right? It should be here by now.’  _ And I’m sat there like,  _ ‘Yeeeeahhh! It should!’ _ It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. He’s great. He picks up on a bunch of things that I don’t, which isn’t that surprising, but he makes  _ me  _ feel great.” The audience awws happily this time.

“And now, this is the part where I start bragging to you all about why I love Eddie so much. Because, like. It’s pretty serious. Me and Eddie, you know. Which is why we are married.” Some gasps echo in the building. “Yeah, yeah. I know. We eloped, basically. But when you know, you know. And I knew the second that I set my eyes on him, I wanted him to sit on my face. Sandy Knew. I Know that she Knew. But, like, sue me, okay? You all would feel the same if you saw how he was lookin’ that night, and what is it that the kids say now-a-days? A snack? Because he was lookin’ like a snack.”

“Anyway, yes, we are married. We were together three months before I was like, ‘_hey you wanna get married?’ _And Eddie shrugs and says _‘yeah, why not?’ _Even though I know for a god damned fact that he’s wanted to get married for those whole three months prior. Because he may be observant, but I’m not stupid. Any of you ever hear the saying, _Why buy the cow_ _when you can get the milk for free__? _I mean, it’s kind of pointless now because it’s lost most of its meaning. You know what that… you know what that expression means? It means, _‘Why would you marry a woman if she’s already having sex with you?’_ Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore. Now, it’s like, _‘Why buy the cow?’ _Uh, maybe because, every day, the cow asks you when you’re gonna buy it. And.. you live in a really small apartment and the cow doesn’t live with you but he’s over like all the time, so you can’t avoid that question at all. And also, the cow is better at arguing than you are. And the cow grew up with a mother that knows how to argue very well._ ‘Why buy the cow?’_ Uh, maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to that sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale, and your cow looks over at you the entire time like he does not enjoy the sale at all.. even though he’s the one that wanted to go to the sale in the first place. But, honestly? Let’s be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love him. You really do. And also because he’s been throwing in not-so-subtly that he wants to. And, sure, he’s a five-foot-seven, one hundred and sixty pounds of pure sass, but he takes care of you.” 

“So, the point is, Eddie and I are married. We’ve been married for about five months, and it’s been the best five months. Scratch that- these last ten months have been the best. I’ve made new friends, gotten married, and my ex girlfriend is still one of the closest people to me. Which, is pretty cool. But now I can go to gay clubs with Eddie and sometime’s she’ll tag along, because you wanna know why?.. Wait for it.. She’s dating Patty.” The crowd woops loudly. Richie nods. “It’s great, right? I kinda love my happy gay family. Like, Ben and Bev, and Bill and Audra are the only straight couples, but they’re allies. They appreciate the gay.”

“Before I leave tonight, I want to do one last segment, and this one is all on marriage. I asked Eddie if I could make fun of him and he told me yes, but as long as I didn’t call him a bitch and say that I hated him. Like.. Eds, darling, why the fuck would I do that? He is a bitch but I love him so  _ much.” _

“For all my married couples, I now get what they say about either you or your spouse has a temper. And no, Eddie isn’t a child, doesn’t throw temper tantrums, except when the dogs cuddle with me because my lap is his spot, apparently.. Eds is just.. He goes from zero to one hundred really quick. Let me tell you why: one night we had gotten into a little argument over something really stupid. We had already apologized and kissed and made up, but when he was in the kitchen feeding the dogs I asked him to get me a glass of water and he comes back and hands me a cup of ice. Like, what is this? He tells me to wait. A little shit, isn’t he?”

“Another time I took him to meet my mom, who, by the way: sweetest person ever. She loves Eddie and he loves her. But, if you’re going to marry someone, have them use a computer with slow internet speed so you can see the real them. My ma’s computer is so fucking slow, and it may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I used to use limewire to torrent songs that had viruses galore attatched to them. Sorry, ma. But even when I was in my early twenties and still living at home, soulja boy slapped. It still does. It’s Eddie’s ringtone.”

“Anyway, Eddie was using her computer to book us a trip. We hadn’t gone on a real honeymoon, let alone had an actual wedding service, so he wanted to do this for us, which was like, so angel-like. But when the screen wouldn’t load? He turned into a demon. I swear to you he grew horns. I could see the steam coming out of his ears and everything.”

“Moral of it all: if you’re a repressed person of the LGBT community, join tinder. You just might meet the love of your life through your girlfriend that you met online…” 

Richie pauses for a moment, then throws a hand up in the air and says, “I’m Richie Tozier, thank you, Los Angeles!”

**Author's Note:**

> For those who didn't read the beginning notes:  
I used some bits of John Mulaney's "The Comeback Kid" and I meme I remember once seeing but everything else that is written in this is 100% MINE. please enjoy!! I would REALLY LOVE to see what you all thought.
> 
> If this gets enough love, maybe I will write more for a comedy series. I might even add this in with "Mortified" as like a comedian!reddie series or something.
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR: richietoaster


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